UNHINGED

Thetime-savers

From ten-minute micro-dates to co-working coffees,

thesepeoplearesprintingthroughthedatingexpe-

rience.Theyscreendatesscrupulously,sidelining spontaneityinfavourofmultitasking,likegoingon dates during the workday (as 32% of Tinder users admit to) or using dates as pre-drinks for friend events. Time-wasting is the ultimate sin.

Jenny,29,isaveteranofthefunctionalhour-long date. “I make it clear it’s all I have time for, and some-

times pretend I have plans to get to after,” says the

London-basedsustainabilitymanager.“Thisway,if we don’t want to see each other again, which is likely,

then it’s not a big deal.” Jenny uses a myriad of even more brutal tactics for those that don’t tickle her fancy, too, such as running away from dates as soon as she spots them and fleeing as they queue for their first drink after they’vesaidtheirhellos.

Jenny would never date on a precious weekend eveninginthesussing-outstage,ohno.Butmany othertime-pressedyoungpeopleonTikTokgoallin on that, by inviting multiple matches to the same club or event. It sounds complicated to me, but it makes comparisoneasier,Iguess?Unlimitedbirdswith one stone, and all that. If dating with friends is your thing,though,thedoublefirstdateissurelymore likelytocultivateyourbestperformance.Settingupa joint profile might get you banned on most apps, but

Fourplay is the new one built around this. After all, is having a laugh with your bezzie ever time wasted?

From freeloading ‘foodie calls’ to TikTok content farmers, here’s your guide to the modern tribes of competitive dating – time-wasters need not apply

Thepreppers

These are the people taking screening dates to the next level – by doing it before actually meeting them.

Takingstreamliningtotheextreme,thiscutthroat clique’s prep starts at demanding voice notes and goesasfarassendingoutjob-likeapplications.You just know they have a dealbreaker ick list, one-strike andyou’regone.

arepreferred.

Enter, Christine Gwaze. At 22, she sent out a

‘Don’t Waste My Time Application’ to carefully curat-

ed matches with ten questions, ranging from “Are you capableofcommunicatinghonestlyandopenly?”to aslidingscalefordicksize.Yep,really.Shespecified thingslike“thecandidatemustbenon-discriminato-

ry” and those who drive and/or have their own place

“I was tired of the same cycle of guys being all talk and no action,” says the now 26-year-old. “I

wanted someone on my wavelength, and to not have to read minds.” Some guys took it well – others didn’t.

One thought that it was a scam (fair enough), and thepeople just easier.

Dating has become an Olympic sport of fuckery – about as painstaking as a pentathlon (I imagine), with about as much grandeur and prestige as the shot put (sorry, guys).

whodidn’ttakeitseriously madetheculling

“I knew the survey wouldscareoffpeople whoweren’tfeeling meenough,butthat’sthe whole point,” she adds. She evenendedupfindingapartner through this process – every success-

ful sportsman knows it’s in all the prep.

Online dating, specifically, has brought a whole new meaning to ‘race against the clock’, and its immediacy has led many into an era of streamlining and dating optimisation, where max-efficiency trumps all.

With data from leading players in the online dating market, we explore all the competitive clans on the apps. A need for speed runs through each, with different tactics and goals along the way. Welcome to ‘the trenches’, as they say.

DAZED