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DO THE RIGHT THING c . It’s something to roll round the mouth. Maybe it’s like Rex Mottram’s glass of proper brandy: The cognac was not to Rex’s taste. It was clear and pale and it came to us in a bottle free from grime and Napoleonic cyphers. It was only a year or two older than Rex and lately bottled. They gave it to us in very thin tulip-shaped glasses of modest size. “Brandy’s one of the things I do know a bit about,” said Rex. “This is a bad colour. What’s more, I can’t taste it in this thimble.” They brought him a balloon the size of his head. He made them warm it over the spirit lamp. Then he rolled the splendid spirit round, buried his face in the fumes, and pronounced it the sort of stuff he put soda in at home. So, shamefacedly, they wheeled out of its hiding place the vast and mouldy bottle they kept for people of Rex’s sort. “That’s the stuff,” he said, tilting the treacly concoction till it left dark rings around the side of the glass. “They’ve always got some tucked away, but they won’t bring it out unless you make a fuss. Have some.” “I’m quite happy with this.” “Well, it’s a crime to drink it, if you don’t really appreciate it.” He lit his cigar and sat back at peace with the world. I, too, was at peace in another world than his. We both were happy.” But whatever it is, and whether it’s for connoisseurs or not, it’s a very familiar taste, and sees many people in their happiest of places. For the worst result in the history of the oldest, most successful party on Earth means yet another Tory leadership election. Amazingly, the hysteria that the Tories might be reduced to double figures, perhaps even coming third in the House of Commons behind the Liberal Democrats, has resulted in something it’s still hard to credit : complacency. “It could have been worse” is the gut reaction by a plain majority of Tories. “And Reform could have done better” goes cynically hand in hand with that hunch. , as the Tories gear up for a summer talking about themselves and the parts their play-actors will posture. Why will Reform go away? That it will — “how divisive Nigel is! he always loses them! they’ll split before conference!” — is certainly the instant, worldly-wise, working assumption of most front-rank Conservative politicians. But why? What will the Tories do to make them go away? Will they mouth safely in opposition things they don’t mean, didn’t do in offi ce and assuredly won’t, should such lies one day work and see them returned to offi ce (if not power)? Why will that dissolve Reform, who’ll be saying the same (and maybe even meaning it), but without the Tories’ pitiful record dragging behind them? Who will do it? Who they are is what they do. The hands of David Cameron, George Osborne, Michael Gove and Douglas “Dougie” Smith have been the ones laid upon Tory candidates, producing such MPs as they have. They couldn’t provide even basically competent government and they’re not close to being an adequately Tory opposition now. Why will more of the same work? That, however, brings us immediately to what didn’t actually work. For, it turns out, the plethora of shameless pro-Sunak Tory pundits notwithstanding, there was no “narrow path to victory”. And no matter how much self-solace is offered with guff like “loveless majorities”, Labour’s lead wasn’t soft. It was in solid parliamentary fact, huge, skilfully accomplished, and entirely up to the job ahead of it. lethargy off to do just one thing: erect colossal straw men. By far the tallest of these concerns who lost the last election. Which was, should anyone have forgot, the worst defeat in Tory history. But was, it now seems, the fault of the Tory right! It’s unfair to pick on any one goonish noise-off in particular, and thus it’s entirely necessary for us to do so. Take, then, serial failed Tory candidate and sometime David Rex Mottram, MP (Con) Doubling down will end the Tories as a party of government Davis leadership campaign manager, Iain Dale. What did he squeak when Sunak sacked his most Reform-adjacent cabinet member, the then home secretary Suella Braverman, and instead disinterred David “great investment” Cameron? D a d d y ’s home. And just as usefully as before, and as soon off again. , it’s asserted, did not lose the last election because it was “too right-wing”: it suffered its worst ever defeat because the conservative voters it took for granted, and did nothing for, had somewhere else to go. That new home hasn’t gone away. Insanely doubling down on a uniquely disastrous “core liberal Conservative vote” strategy will end the Tories as a party of government, and turn them into a gadflies’ sect — much like the Liberals have been for the last century. The Tories have to get back the votes they have lost : those are demonstrably to their right. Hoping that Farage will stymie his own chances — “he doesn’t, deep down, want to be a big dog” — is arrogant, unimaginative folly. Expect more of it once the Tories have their new leader. ● THE CRITIC 2 AUG | SEP 2024
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M O N T G O M E R Y J O H N B Y I O N S I L L U S T R A T No dog in the fight , issues old. Later this year, we’ll celebrate our fifth birthday. This magazine owes an obvious debt to Daniel Johnson’s Standpoint, and, to whatever degree we succeed, continues in a tradition behind Encounter, Leo Maxse’s National Review and the perhaps surprisingly small handful of other titles to have occupied this niche. unlamented Tory government, Labour use their majority to do things good and bad. Our parliamentary sketchwriter, Robert Hutton, has dutifully noted how ruling seemed from the vantage point of Tory pets. Dilyn and Nova the dogs saw dysfunctional courts fail to do anything other than play games. From this issue on, he hacks into the emails of Sue Gray, civil service éminence grise. It would be foolish not to note that those publications were habitually also the fruits of much generosity. Thus, Alan Bekhor’s Standpoint, Lady Milner’s National Review, or, indeed, the CIA’s Encounter. From the moment we launched, we have enjoyed similar proprietorial benevolence from Jeremy Hosking. What we have done with that, has been on us. But without it, we could have done nothing. party happened in the ballroom of a London club on the evening Boris Johnson got the 2017-elected House of Commons to vote to dissolve itself. Which is a sentence that sums up much of the present situation. Glib, expedient, constitutional vandalism (Cameron and Osborne’s coalition-era Fixed Term Parliaments Act requiring a Commons vote to obtain dissolution was behind so much of the chaos of doing Brexit) was followed by constitutional indifference by the victorious Tories. Not one lesson was learnt, as will soon enough be seen when, unlike the of-house politics with a progressive administrative state will be a thing to behold. Forgive us for anticipating nothing good of it. But, if nothing else does, this will bring the country to a reckoning with where we are. Everything is going to be tested to destruction now. The Critic under Labour hopes to go on being just as cheerful as we were under the Tories, but more so. We’ll change, discreetly, in ways we hope you won’t notice. And start doing more things in ways we hope you will. Ideally you won’t get tired of words like “membership”, “exclusive reader events” and “quality ‘Make Criticism Great Again’ caps uniquely for you!” As the Sue Grays of this world know, words really aren’t enough. Our launch leader said that the point of this magazine was honest criticism, all the better to approach the truth we know exists. A luta continua! But thank you once again to everyone who makes that possible, now and in the future. ● thecritic.co.uk 11 Tufton Street, Westminster, SW1P 3QB editorial@thecritic.co.uk The Critic is published by Locomotive 6960 Ltd © LOCOMOTIVE 6960 LIMITED 2020 Editorial Editor: Christopher Montgomery Deputy Editor: Graham Stewart Art Director: Martin Colyer Designers: David Rice and Sofia Azcona Production Editor: Nick Pryer Deputy Production Editor: Neil Armstrong Literary Editor: David Butterfield Executive Editor: Sebastian Milbank Online Editor: Ben Sixsmith Managing Editor: Yen Leung Assistant Editors: Kittie Helmick, Jo Bartosch Contributing Editors: Daniel Johnson, Roger Kimball, Toby Young, Alexander Larman, David Scullion Artist in Residence: Adam Dant Subscriptions Annual Subscription rates: UK: £46, Europe: £52, Rest of World: £55 Subscription and delivery queries: The Critic Subscriptions, Intermedia Brand Marketing Ltd, Unit 6, The Enterprise Centre, Kelvin Lane, Crawley, West Sussex, RH10 9PE Telephone: 01293 312250 Email: thecritic@subscriptionhelpline.co.uk Web: thecritic.imbmsubscriptions.com Publishing Publisher: Yvonne Dwerryhouse marketing@thecritic.co.uk Printing: Cliffe Enterprise, Unit 6f Southbourne Business Park, Courtlands Rd, Eastbourne BN22 8UY Distribution: Intermedia Brand Marketing Ltd, Unit 6, The Enterprise Centre, Kelvin Lane, Crawley, West Sussex, RH10 9PE The Critic is registered as a trade mark (No UK00003433651), owned by Locomotive 6960 Ltd. THE CRITIC 3 AUG | SEP 2024

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M O N T G O M E R Y

J O H N

B Y

I O N S

I L L U S T R A T

No dog in the fight , issues old. Later this year, we’ll celebrate our fifth birthday. This magazine owes an obvious debt to Daniel Johnson’s Standpoint, and, to whatever degree we succeed, continues in a tradition behind Encounter, Leo Maxse’s National Review and the perhaps surprisingly small handful of other titles to have occupied this niche.

unlamented Tory government, Labour use their majority to do things good and bad.

Our parliamentary sketchwriter, Robert Hutton, has dutifully noted how ruling seemed from the vantage point of Tory pets. Dilyn and Nova the dogs saw dysfunctional courts fail to do anything other than play games. From this issue on, he hacks into the emails of Sue Gray, civil service éminence grise.

It would be foolish not to note that those publications were habitually also the fruits of much generosity. Thus, Alan Bekhor’s Standpoint, Lady Milner’s National Review, or, indeed, the CIA’s Encounter. From the moment we launched, we have enjoyed similar proprietorial benevolence from Jeremy Hosking. What we have done with that, has been on us. But without it, we could have done nothing.

party happened in the ballroom of a London club on the evening Boris Johnson got the 2017-elected House of Commons to vote to dissolve itself. Which is a sentence that sums up much of the present situation.

Glib, expedient, constitutional vandalism (Cameron and Osborne’s coalition-era Fixed Term Parliaments Act requiring a Commons vote to obtain dissolution was behind so much of the chaos of doing Brexit) was followed by constitutional indifference by the victorious Tories. Not one lesson was learnt, as will soon enough be seen when, unlike the of-house politics with a progressive administrative state will be a thing to behold. Forgive us for anticipating nothing good of it. But, if nothing else does, this will bring the country to a reckoning with where we are. Everything is going to be tested to destruction now.

The Critic under Labour hopes to go on being just as cheerful as we were under the Tories, but more so. We’ll change, discreetly, in ways we hope you won’t notice. And start doing more things in ways we hope you will.

Ideally you won’t get tired of words like “membership”, “exclusive reader events” and “quality ‘Make Criticism Great Again’ caps uniquely for you!” As the Sue Grays of this world know, words really aren’t enough.

Our launch leader said that the point of this magazine was honest criticism, all the better to approach the truth we know exists. A luta continua! But thank you once again to everyone who makes that possible, now and in the future. ●

thecritic.co.uk 11 Tufton Street, Westminster, SW1P 3QB editorial@thecritic.co.uk

The Critic is published by Locomotive 6960 Ltd © LOCOMOTIVE 6960 LIMITED 2020

Editorial Editor: Christopher Montgomery Deputy Editor: Graham Stewart Art Director: Martin Colyer Designers: David Rice and Sofia Azcona Production Editor: Nick Pryer Deputy Production Editor: Neil Armstrong Literary Editor: David Butterfield Executive Editor: Sebastian Milbank Online Editor: Ben Sixsmith Managing Editor: Yen Leung Assistant Editors: Kittie Helmick, Jo Bartosch Contributing Editors: Daniel Johnson, Roger Kimball, Toby Young, Alexander Larman, David Scullion Artist in Residence: Adam Dant Subscriptions Annual Subscription rates: UK: £46, Europe: £52, Rest of World: £55 Subscription and delivery queries: The Critic Subscriptions, Intermedia Brand Marketing Ltd, Unit 6, The Enterprise Centre, Kelvin Lane, Crawley, West Sussex, RH10 9PE Telephone: 01293 312250 Email: thecritic@subscriptionhelpline.co.uk Web: thecritic.imbmsubscriptions.com Publishing Publisher: Yvonne Dwerryhouse marketing@thecritic.co.uk Printing: Cliffe Enterprise, Unit 6f Southbourne Business Park, Courtlands Rd, Eastbourne BN22 8UY Distribution: Intermedia Brand Marketing Ltd, Unit 6, The Enterprise Centre, Kelvin Lane, Crawley, West Sussex, RH10 9PE The Critic is registered as a trade mark (No UK00003433651), owned by Locomotive 6960 Ltd.

THE CRITIC 3 AUG | SEP 2024

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