Dear Jim, I would like to take my son to their first Utd game, can you help? Yes! that will be £66! a lecture, threats. pat downs that cause you to miss the first goal (thankfully not ours of course, ha ha!) and an app that sends you useless notifications all day long! ping ping! Dear Jim, can you fix the leaking roof please? Yes! using the desks as cover from all the people i have sacked and do not need anymore! gone with my wind!

Dear Jim, you say you'll be cutting costs but keep paying out loads more for your own mistakes and then sign more underperforming players, can you fix that please? Oh fuck off and support chelsea, like i did actually! better still, go and support fulham who have ideal ticket prices... not for you and you... but me! Dear Jim, can you fix it for me to watch a normal, functioning, non fuckwitted football club please? NO CHANCE!

SEAT JUST £666! EVERYTHING MUST GO!

INCLUDING OUR SOUL!