The Factory Floor
‘THINGS HAVE GOT BETTER!’ I announced over the tannoy. I’d been guaranteed a huge order and I couldn’t wait to put my staff’s fears to rest. The effect was instantaneous. I saw the factory floor transform beneath me from a Victorian painting of miserable toil into a bouncing club, modern and sentient. They hugged each other. Threw their caps in the air. Cried like families reunited after a long war. They composed a group song called ‘Things have got better’. Looking down from my office window I watched their conga line weave through the drilling machines. The next day we lost the contract. We were haemorrhaging funds. Pay-cuts were inevitable; mass redundancies. I switched on the tannoy to deliver the difficult truth and yelled, ‘FREE MONEY!’ The floor fell silent. I slapped my culprit of a mouth, bad mouth. I was cupping their happiness like a ladybird in my hands. No one moved. The foreman texted: ‘Sorry boss what do you mean?’ ‘I mean precisely what I said!’ my voice boomed out from the speakers, ‘From now on if you ever need cash at the weekend, thirty quid for a decent bottle of wine or a cheeky grand for your daughter’s wedding, a tenner for sushi – I won’t ask questions – just write your name and the desired amount on a piece of paper, pop it in my pigeon hole and I’ll transfer the money into your account within 24 hours’. I was surprised by the exactness of my detail. ‘FREE MONEY!’ It was fun to shout, ‘FREE MONEY!’ They ran around like children highfiving each other. They added a verse to their song all about me. It was like watching a hip new musical from the best seat in the house. Next morning I stepped up solemnly. Time to get real. ‘Listen up everyone okay there’s no easy way to say this but due to insurmountable financial dif…. FOUR DAY WEEK! WE’RE SWITCHING TO A FOUR DAY WEEK BUT YOUR SALARY WILL STAY THE SAME!’ Shit. They were staring up at me with slight concern like picnickers clocking a cloud. Why didn’t they believe me? Didn’t they like me anymore? I was speaking on a tannoy. I was on the top floor. I had my own parking space. How could they doubt the
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