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ALAWIYA SOBH heart attack. I’m devastated, but I can’t cry, and my body’s aching for release. So, can you let me hear you sob out loud, Basma? Let me hear you bawling. I feel like I’m screaming on the inside, so I need you to scream out loud for me. Let your tears flow for me. Cry like you’ve never cried before, Basma. Be me. Be me, please!’ “Once, after she got back from Istanbul, she dialled his number by accident when she was meaning to call me. She said she felt as though her heart had fallen out of her chest. She lost all her strength and collapsed on the floor. She couldn’t walk anymore, or even stand up. ‘Basma,’ she said to me, ‘His number’s still here, but he’s gone! When it hit me, I started to cry without making a sound.Tears were streaming down my face. When my daughter asked me what was wrong, all I could do was take her in my arms and say: “I’m tired, sweetie. I’m just tired.”’ “She said: ‘I picked up the telephone and thought: I’ve got to delete the number from my contacts. But I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I tried again, but I felt like I was committing a crime, so I left it on my phone. I felt as though, if I deleted it, it would be like announcing his death to myself!’ “Then she asked me a question that took me by surprise. She said: ‘Basma, do you think he would have died if we’d had a physical relationship?’ I didn’t answer her. She went on to say that she felt as though she was the only person who knew the secret behind his heart attack, just as she’d known his secrets in life. Over and over, she said:‘My love killed him, Basma. If only I’d divorced Riyadh and married him.The reason I didn’t is that I was afraid that if I divorced Riyadh, he’d deprive me of my children.They’re my life. At the same time, my love for them defeated me. It broke me.You’ve never experienced motherhood, Basma. But I can tell you this: it’s the hardest job in the history of mankind. And it keeps getting harder.’ “Musa had never married, but for ten years had gone on waiting and hoping for the day when she would ask Riyadh for a divorce. So his death left her guilt-ridden. In spite of her usual obstinacy and strength of character, she was stricken with paralysis all over again. “I’m sure I can go on with my story. Although, so far, I still don’t know what will trigger my memory, or what it will come out with. But you can help me by telling me what things you’re curious to know more about!” BANIPAL 70 – SPRING 2021 99

ALAWIYA SOBH

heart attack. I’m devastated, but I can’t cry, and my body’s aching for release. So, can you let me hear you sob out loud, Basma? Let me hear you bawling. I feel like I’m screaming on the inside, so I need you to scream out loud for me. Let your tears flow for me. Cry like you’ve never cried before, Basma. Be me. Be me, please!’

“Once, after she got back from Istanbul, she dialled his number by accident when she was meaning to call me. She said she felt as though her heart had fallen out of her chest. She lost all her strength and collapsed on the floor. She couldn’t walk anymore, or even stand up. ‘Basma,’ she said to me, ‘His number’s still here, but he’s gone! When it hit me, I started to cry without making a sound.Tears were streaming down my face. When my daughter asked me what was wrong, all I could do was take her in my arms and say: “I’m tired, sweetie. I’m just tired.”’

“She said: ‘I picked up the telephone and thought: I’ve got to delete the number from my contacts. But I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I tried again, but I felt like I was committing a crime, so I left it on my phone. I felt as though, if I deleted it, it would be like announcing his death to myself!’

“Then she asked me a question that took me by surprise. She said: ‘Basma, do you think he would have died if we’d had a physical relationship?’ I didn’t answer her. She went on to say that she felt as though she was the only person who knew the secret behind his heart attack, just as she’d known his secrets in life. Over and over, she said:‘My love killed him, Basma. If only I’d divorced Riyadh and married him.The reason I didn’t is that I was afraid that if I divorced Riyadh, he’d deprive me of my children.They’re my life. At the same time, my love for them defeated me. It broke me.You’ve never experienced motherhood, Basma. But I can tell you this: it’s the hardest job in the history of mankind. And it keeps getting harder.’

“Musa had never married, but for ten years had gone on waiting and hoping for the day when she would ask Riyadh for a divorce. So his death left her guilt-ridden. In spite of her usual obstinacy and strength of character, she was stricken with paralysis all over again.

“I’m sure I can go on with my story. Although, so far, I still don’t know what will trigger my memory, or what it will come out with. But you can help me by telling me what things you’re curious to know more about!”

BANIPAL 70 – SPRING 2021 99

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